The Double Empathy Problem in Neurodivergent Relationships
In couples with a mix of neurotypes one person often feels profoundly misunderstood, and each may feel their earnest attempts to connect are somehow failing. Historically, these struggles have often been misattributed solely to the social communication deficits of the autistic or otherwise neurodivergent individual. However, the paradigm shifting concept of the “double empathy problem” articulated by researcher Damian Milton reframes this entirely. It posits that the breakdown in mutual understanding is often not one sided. It is a bidirectional disconnect stemming from fundamental differences in neurocognitive wiring, life experiences, and communication styles. The neurotypical partner experiences the world and expresses empathy in one way, while the neurodivergent partner operates from an equally valid but often divergent framework. The problem is not a lack of empathy, but a clash of empathic languages.
The impact on relationships can be profound. A neurodivergent person’s direct communication may be perceived as blunt or uncaring by a neurotypical partner who expects layered nuance. Conversely, the neurotypical partner’s reliance on implied meaning, tone, and non-verbal cues can be confusing, exhausting, or invisible to the neurodivergent partner. Both may retreat, believing their partner cannot or will not understand their inner world. This erodes safety and fosters resentment. The neurodivergent individual may feel perpetually pathologized, forced to mask their authentic self to maintain harmony. The neurotypical partner may feel emotionally neglected or unloved. Recognizing the double empathy problem is the first step out of this gridlock. It moves the couple from a blame model, where someone is at fault, to a difference model, where the task is to co-create a third culture of understanding unique to their relationship.
To build this culture, couples can engage in structured exercises that make implicit processes explicit. Here are three relational practices to consider.
First, implement scheduled empathy mappings. Set a calm, dedicated time weekly where each partner takes a turn as speaker and listener. The speaker describes a recent emotional experience using their own authentic language, whether that is factual, sensory, or metaphorical. The listener’s goal is not to fix or relate, but to reflect back what they heard and, crucially, to ask clarifying questions about the speaker’s internal experience. For example, “I hear that the event was overwhelming. Was the overwhelm more in your body as tension, or in your mind as racing thoughts?” This practice builds a translation guide between each other’s experiential lexicons.
Second, develop a shared sensory and emotional glossary. Many neurodivergent individuals experience emotions somatically or with distinct sensory profiles. Couples can collaboratively create a simple list or document. Each person defines key emotional or relational states, like “connection,” “stress,” or “love,” in their own concrete terms. A neurodivergent partner might note, “When I feel connected, I seek parallel activity beside you in quiet companionship.” A neurotypical partner might say, “When I feel connected, I desire eye contact and verbal sharing.” This glossary becomes a vital reference tool during moments of confusion, preventing misinterpretation of behaviors.
Third, practice co-regulated pause rituals. Meltdowns, shutdowns, or heightened emotional dysregulation are moments where the empathy gap can widen catastrophically. Proactively design a pause ritual together. This could be a specific hand signal, a spoken code word, or the physical placement of a designated object that nonverbally communicates, “I am overwhelmed, my system is flooded, I need a regulated pause.” The agreement is that upon this signal, both partners take a structured break, perhaps 20 minutes of separate quiet time, to engage in their own self regulation. This interrupts the cycle of mutual escalation and allows both nervous systems to reset before re-engaging. It is an act of mutual care that honors each person’s neurological needs.
Healing the rift of the double empathy problem requires moving from assumption to curiosity. It asks both partners to become humble students of each other’s inner universes. The goal is not for one person to learn the other’s language perfectly, but to become fluent translators, building a new, shared dialect of love and understanding. This journey, while challenging, can lead to a relationship of unparalleled honesty and depth, where neurological differences are not obstacles but the very fabric of a unique and resilient bond.
