A Somatic Perspective on Neurodiverse Relationship Equity
In neurodivergent relationships, the concepts of equality and equity are often mistakenly used interchangeably. While both aim for justice, their application, particularly within neurodiverse partnerships, leads to profoundly different outcomes. Equality operates on the principle of sameness, distributing resources, responsibilities, and expectations identically to each partner. Equity, in contrast, focuses on fairness, allocating what each individual needs to thrive, even if that allocation looks different. For couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent, confusing equality with equity can create a bedrock of resentment and misunderstanding, whereas embracing equity can foster a sanctuary of mutual growth.
A strictly equal framework might insist that if one partner handles bedtime routines, the other must do mornings, or that household chores be split fifty fifty. This seems fair on paper. However, if one partner has sensory sensitivities that make the clatter of dishes physically painful, or executive function challenges that render the multitasking of meal preparation overwhelmingly stressful, an equal split becomes a recipe for distress. The neurodivergent partner may be consistently pushed into a state of nervous system overload, while the neurotypical partner may misinterpret the struggle as laziness or lack of care. This is where somatic psychotherapy informs us deeply. Chronic stress from being forced to operate in a mismatch of neurological needs does not just live in the mind. It manifests in the body as tension, burnout, digestive issues, and a constant state of fight or flight, eroding the felt sense of safety within the relationship itself.
Equity asks a more nuanced set of questions. It inquires, what does each person need to feel regulated, valued, and able to contribute from their strengths? This requires compassionate investigation and a departure from societal norms about what partnership "should" look like. It might mean that the partner with auditory sensitivities takes on the laundry and yard work, while the other handles the noisy kitchen tasks. It could involve agreeing that planning social events is one partner's domain, while the other manages the finances. Equity recognizes that the neurological playing field is not level, and therefore the inputs required for well being cannot be identical. The goal is not to keep score of identical contributions, but to cultivate a shared sense of balance and fulfillment where both people feel their needs are legitimate and met.
Moving toward equity is a somatic, or body centered, practice as much as a conceptual one. It begins with attuned communication, where both partners learn to identify and express their internal states without judgment. This might involve the neurodivergent partner articulating the physical precursors to overwhelm, or the neurotypical partner noticing their own bodily signals of resentment before they escalate. Equity is co created through continuous adjustment, not a fixed rule. It requires the neurotypical partner to actively deconstruct their assumptions about "normal" functioning, and the neurodivergent partner to advocate for their needs with clarity and self compassion. Therapy can provide a structured space to develop this new language, helping couples map their individual nervous system profiles and design a relationship ecosystem that respects both.
Ultimately, embracing equity in a neurodiverse relationship is an act of love that honors the truth of each person's neurology. It shifts the focus from fairness defined by sameness to fairness defined by wholeness. It allows the relationship to become a container where both partners can shed the masks of expectation and be authentically themselves. The path of equity is not always easy, as it challenges deeply ingrained social scripts. Yet, by prioritizing the unique needs of each individual over rigid equality, couples build a more resilient, compassionate, and sustainable bond. In this space, difference is not a problem to be managed, but the very source of the relationship's depth and creativity.
