Literally Speaking: Strengthening Neurodiverse Relationships Through Playful Communication
For many neurodivergent individuals, particularly those on the autism spectrum or with ADHD, threads of communication can sometimes feel tangled. A primary source of this snarl is a literal thinking style, a fundamental way of processing the world where words are taken at their face value. Figurative language, sarcasm, and indirect requests, which form the bedrock of much neurotypical social exchange, can become a minefield of misunderstanding. For the neurodivergent partner, a phrase like "we should hang out sometime" is a statement of potential future action, not a polite farewell. When their neurotypical partner says, "This room is a pigsty," they may hear a descriptive observation about the state of the room, not an implied request to clean it. This divergence is not a matter of intellect or willingness, but rather a difference in neurological wiring that directly impacts how information is decoded.
The relational impact of this communication style mismatch is profound. The neurotypical partner may feel ignored, resentful, or as if their partner is being deliberately obtuse. The neurodivergent partner, meanwhile, often feels confused, anxious, and chronically criticized for breaking rules they never knew existed. They are responding to the words that were actually said, only to find out they were supposed to respond to a different, unspoken message. This cycle can erode intimacy and foster loneliness for both people. The path forward is not about one partner changing their inherent cognitive style to accommodate the other. Instead, it is about building a bridge of mutual understanding through patience, clarity, and a spirit of collaborative play. The goal is to co create a shared language that celebrates both the beauty of directness and the nuance of implication.
What follows are three simple and fun exercises designed to be done together. They are not therapeutic interventions but rather relational games that can illuminate your different communication landscapes and help you navigate them with more joy and less friction.
First, try the Idiom Improv Game. Neurotypical communication is saturated with idioms and metaphors that can be baffling when taken literally. In this game, each partner takes turns inventing a silly, brand new idiom. For example, one might say, "I'm feeling like a squirrel in a library." The other partner then has to guess the intended meaning. Does it mean feeling frantic and out of place? Or perhaps curious but silent? There are no right answers, only opportunities for creative interpretation and laughter. This exercise externalizes the process of decoding figurative language, allowing the neurodivergent partner to practice in a low pressure environment and giving the neurotypical partner a direct experience of how their common phrases might sound to a literal mind.
Second, embark on a session of Specificity Charades. This exercise directly targets the challenge of indirect requests. The neurotypical partner thinks of a simple, specific action they would like their partner to do, such as "please put the blue coffee mug in the dishwasher." Instead of saying it directly, they give a vague, neurotypical style hint, like "This kitchen is a mess," or "That mug has been there forever." The neurodivergent partner's job is to guess the exact action. Then, you switch roles. The inevitable moments of hilarious misinterpretation are the point. They build empathy by showing the neurotypical partner how unhelpful indirectness can be, and they empower the neurodivergent partner by demonstrating that their confusion is a valid and shared experience, not a personal failing.
Finally, establish a Clarification Jar. In the flow of daily conversation, requests for clarification can feel like interruptions or criticisms. This tool transforms clarification into a sanctioned, even playful, part of your dialogue. Find a jar and some tokens or coins. Agree that either partner can, without any negative consequence, drop a token in the jar and ask for a rephrase when a statement is confusing. For instance, if one partner says, "Can you hold that thought?" the other might use a token to ask, "Do you mean for me to literally remember it, or to stop talking?" The physical act of using the jar depersonalizes the need for clarity. It becomes a game with a simple rule rather than a conflict. You can even decide on a fun reward for when the jar is full, reinforcing that understanding each other is a shared achievement worth celebrating.
These exercises are gateways. They are designed to transform a source of potential conflict into a source of connection and curiosity. By playing with the very structures of language that often divide you, you build a stronger, more resilient bond founded on the conscious effort to understand and be understood.
