Parental Rupture and Repair: An Object Relations Guide to Somatic Attunement with Children
Attunement is the process by which a parent perceives, makes sense of, and responds to their child’s internal world. Through an object relations lens, this is not merely a behavioral exchange but the very foundation upon which the child’s psyche is built. Our earliest relationships form the templates, or internal objects, that shape how we view ourselves and others throughout life. When a caregiver consistently attunes to an infant’s needs for comfort, food, and connection, the child internalizes a sense of a loving, responsive other and, consequently, a self that is worthy of love and care. This secure internal world becomes a psychological home base from which to explore the wider world. The parent’s capacity to hold the child in mind, to be a containing presence for overwhelming feelings, allows the child to feel safe enough to eventually develop their own capacity for emotional regulation.
Yet, the path of parenting is strewn with moments of missed connections. Life’s demands, our own unresolved histories, and the sheer intensity of a child’s emotions can make perfect attunement an impossible ideal. The pressure to constantly be emotionally available can lead parents to, as the saying goes, turn themselves into pretzels, contorting their own needs and sanity in a desperate attempt to never fail. This is where the wisdom of object relations and somatic awareness offers a profound relief. It is not about perfect, seamless attunement every second. In fact, the rupture and repair of attunement is a critical learning process for the child. What matters most is the parent’s capacity to return, to notice the rupture, and to work towards reconnection. From a somatic standpoint, this begins with the parent’s own body. You cannot offer a regulated nervous system to your child if your own is in a state of fight or flight. When your child is dysregulated, their distress can trigger your own unconscious memories and emotional responses, making it feel unbearable. The first step is to notice your own somatic countertransference, the bodily sensations and impulses that arise in you during these difficult moments. Do you feel a clenching in your stomach, a tightening in your chest, an urge to flee or to fix it immediately? This is your internal object world being activated.
The work, then, is to shift from a goal of perfect attunement to one of grounded relating. Instead of twisting yourself into a pretzel to meet your child’s emotional state, you must first find your own feet on the ground. This is an embodied process. Take a conscious breath. Feel your feet on the floor. This simple somatic act anchors your nervous system and creates a sliver of space between your child’s emotional storm and your reaction. In that space, you can access your observing adult mind. From an object relations perspective, you are practicing being a good enough container for yourself first. You are holding your own anxiety and discomfort without being completely overwhelmed by it. This self containment is the greatest gift you can offer your child at that moment. You then become a relational anchor, a steady presence that communicates, through your own body state, that feelings can be big and scary but they do not have to destroy us. Your calm, regulated presence, even if you are not perfectly solving the problem, provides a new internal object for your child to eventually internalize. It is an object that can withstand strong affect without collapsing. This process of repairing a rupture after you have regained your own footing is far more valuable than a fragile, pretzel-like attunement that shatters at the first sign of stress. It teaches resilience, forgiveness, and the reality that relationships can withstand conflict and disconnection and come out stronger on the other side. In the end, it is not about getting it right every time, but about the courageous and somatic practice of returning to connection, again and again.
