When Realities Collide: Understanding Unintentional Gaslighting
In intimate relationships, few things are more damaging than the feeling of being gaslit, of having one's perception of reality systematically denied and invalidated. However, what occurs when this dynamic emerges not from a place of malicious manipulation, but from a fundamental, neurological difference in how two people experience and process the world? This is the phenomenon of unintentional gaslighting, a common and deeply painful challenge in relationships where one partner is neurotypical (NT) and the other is neurodivergent (ND), such as those with autism or ADHD. The ND individual's very way of being, their cognitive style, can inadvertently cause their NT partner to feel unseen, unheard, and question their own sanity, all while the ND partner is utterly confused about what went wrong.
Consider a common example rooted in memory and detail. An NT partner might recount a shared emotional memory, saying, "Remember that amazing beach day last summer? It was so peaceful and connected." The ND partner, whose memory might be highly specific and factual, responds by correcting a detail, "Actually, it was spring, not summer, and it was windy until noon, so it wasn't entirely peaceful." The ND partner is simply engaging with the memory with precision, stating facts as they recall them. Their intention is not to invalidate but to be accurate. However, the NT partner hears this as a dismissal of the entire emotional core of their memory. The feeling of connection and peace is now framed as incorrect. The NT partner is left feeling that their emotional truth is being denied, a classic gaslighting experience, yet it was entirely unintentional. The conflict that follows is not about the memory itself, but a clash between emotional processing and factual processing.
Bridging this gap requires intentional practice that moves beyond blame and toward mutual understanding. Here are three simple exercises for couples to try:
First, practice the "Experience vs. Fact" reflection. When a disagreement over a past event arises, the NT partner should first state the emotional experience or gist they recall. The ND partner's task is to reflect only that feeling back without adding factual corrections, for example, "I hear that you felt really connected to me that day." This validates the emotional reality. Afterwards, and only if necessary, the factual details can be gently discussed separately.
Second, implement a "Processing Pause." Recognize that many ND individuals need time to process complex emotional information. During a heated discussion, either partner can call for a scheduled ten minute pause. This is not stonewalling, but an agreement to return to the conversation after a brief period of solo processing, allowing the ND partner to formulate their thoughts and the NT partner to regulate their nervous system.
Third, engage in weekly "Brain Mapping." In a calm moment, take turns explaining how your minds work. The ND partner can describe what overwhelm feels like in their body or how they store memories. The NT partner can explain the physical sensation of feeling emotionally dismissed. This builds empathy and creates a shared language, transforming conflicts from personal attacks into puzzles of neurology to be solved together.
