Internalized Ableism in the Neurodivergent Community: “Don’t should all over yourself”

As a licensed psychotherapist I have worked extensively with neurodivergent individuals—those with ADHD, autism, dyslexia, and other neurologically based differences. One of the most pervasive and damaging patterns I observe is internalized ableism—the unconscious adoption of societal beliefs that equate neurotypical functioning as "correct" and neurodivergent functioning as "deficient."  

A common manifestation of this is the phrase: "I should have been able to..."  

- "I should have finished that task on time."  

- "I should have remembered that appointment."  

- "I should have handled that social situation better."  

These statements reflect an internalized expectation that neurodivergent individuals must perform in ways that align with neurotypical standards—even when those standards are mismatched with their neurology.  

Why "I Should Have" Is Harmful  

1. It Ignores Neurological Differences  

   Neurodivergent brains process information, manage time, and regulate attention differently. Expecting someone with ADHD to "just focus" or an autistic person to "just read social cues" is like expecting a wheelchair user to "just walk." The frustration that follows ("I should have done better") stems from judging oneself by an irrelevant standard.  

2. It Reinforces Shame  

   Shame is a common byproduct of internalized ableism. When neurodivergent individuals repeatedly tell themselves they "should" function in neurotypical ways, they internalize the message that their natural way of being is wrong. This erodes self-esteem and increases anxiety.  

3. It Prevents Self-Acceptance & Accommodation  

   Instead of seeking strategies that work with their neurotype, many neurodivergent people exhaust themselves trying (and often failing) to meet neurotypical expectations. This cycle leads to burnout, depression, and a diminished sense of self-worth.  

Healthier Alternatives to "I Should Have"  

1. Reframe with Self-Compassion  

   Replace "I should have remembered" with:  

   - "My brain doesn’t prioritize memory the same way, so I’ll use tools like reminders and lists."  

   - "I struggle with this, and that’s okay—I’ll find a workaround."  

2. Focus on Strengths, Not Deficits  

   Neurodivergence comes with unique strengths: creativity, hyperfocus, pattern recognition, deep empathy, or out-of-the-box problem-solving. Instead of dwelling on perceived failures, ask:  

   - "What am I naturally good at?"  

   - "How can I structure my life around my strengths?"  

3. Demand Accommodation, Not Assimilation  

   Society often expects neurodivergent people to "mask" (hide their traits to fit in). Instead, we should normalize asking for accommodations:  

   - "I work better with flexible deadlines."  

   - "I need written instructions instead of verbal ones."  

4. Challenge Neurotypical Standards  

   Many "shoulds" are arbitrary. Who decided that productivity must look a certain way? That socializing follow specific rules? Neurodivergent individuals have the right to define success on their own terms.  

Final Thoughts  

Internalized ableism is a survival response—a way to cope in a world not designed for neurodivergent minds. But healing begins when we stop measuring ourselves by neurotypical yardsticks.  

Instead of "I should have," try:  

- "This is hard for me, and that’s valid."  

- "I’ll find a way that works for my brain."  

- "My worth isn’t tied to productivity."  

Neurodivergence isn’t a flaw—it’s a different way of experiencing the world. The goal isn’t to "fix" yourself to fit neurotypical norms, but to create a life that honors your unique neurology.  

As therapists, allies, and neurodivergent individuals, we must challenge internalized ableism—not by striving to be "less neurodivergent," but by demanding a world that makes space for all kinds of minds.