The Impact of Memory Holes on Neurodivergent Individuals and Their Relationships
Memory lapses, particularly in neurodivergent individuals, can create significant challenges in relationships, often leading to misunderstandings that feel like intentional manipulation or gaslighting to those unfamiliar with neurodivergent cognitive patterns. These memory gaps are not deliberate but rather a manifestation of the neurodivergent brain’s unique wiring. Neurodivergent individuals often exhibit spiky abilities, meaning they may have extraordinary recall in areas tied to their special interests while struggling with seemingly basic short term memory tasks. A partner or friend might share important details in a conversation only to find them forgotten minutes later, which can feel like dismissal or even deceit. This dissonance between capability and inconsistency can strain trust, especially when the neurodivergent person’s strengths in other areas make their lapses appear selective or intentional.
The frustration on both sides is understandable. For neurodivergent individuals, memory holes are a source of shame and anxiety, as they may recognize their inconsistency but lack the ability to control it. For their loved ones, repeated instances of forgotten conversations or commitments can evoke feelings of being unimportant or manipulated, even when no malice exists. The term gaslighting is often misapplied here, as it implies a deliberate effort to distort reality, whereas neurodivergent memory lapses are involuntary. However, the emotional impact can mirror gaslighting’s effects (unintentional gaslighting), leaving both parties feeling isolated and mistrustful. Partners may question why someone who can recite obscure facts about a favorite topic cannot remember a planned dinner, reinforcing a narrative of neglect.
Addressing these challenges requires education, patience, and adaptive communication strategies. Loved ones must understand that memory spikiness is not personal but neurological. Meanwhile, neurodivergent individuals can benefit from external support such as notes, reminders, or verbal check ins to bridge memory gaps. Therapy can help both parties reframe these lapses as a difference in cognitive processing rather than a relational failing. By fostering mutual empathy, relationships can move beyond accusations of gaslighting toward collaborative solutions that honor each person’s needs and limitations.
