Neurodivergence and Difficulties with Small Talk
Small talk is often the gateway to social connection, but for neurodivergent individuals in particular it can feel like navigating a labyrinth without a map. Many neurodivergent clients struggle with the implicit, intuitive rhythms of casual conversation. Neurotypical individuals tend to rely on unspoken social cues, emotional mirroring, and shared assumptions to build rapport. In contrast, neurodivergent people often approach connection more cognitively, analyzing language, topics, and social rules with deliberate attention. This difference in communication styles can create misunderstandings, leaving neurodivergent individuals feeling isolated or exhausted by the effort required to engage in what others perceive as effortless chatting.
One key challenge is the neurodivergent tendency to prioritize depth and specificity over the broad, often vague exchanges typical of small talk. Where neurotypical individuals might bond over shared emotional tones or situational humor, neurodivergent individuals may seek substantive, detail oriented dialogue. This can lead to frustration on both sides: neurotypical people may perceive their neurodivergent counterparts as overly intense or disinterested, while neurodivergent individuals may find small talk confusing or meaningless. Over time, these disconnects can hinder the formation of friendships or strain close relationships, as partners or friends may misinterpret the neurodivergent person’s communication style as cold or dismissive when it is simply different.
Somatic psychotherapy highlights how these cognitive vs intuitive connection styles also manifest in the body. Neurodivergent individuals may experience heightened stress or anxiety in social settings, as their nervous systems work overtime to decode implicit norms. Without the intuitive ease that neurotypical individuals often rely on, neurodivergent people may compensate with hypervigilance or scripted responses, which can feel draining or inauthentic. In relationships, this may lead to burnout or withdrawal, further complicating connection.
The solution lies in mutual understanding and adaptation. Neurotypical individuals can practice patience and clarity, while neurodivergent individuals may benefit from frameworks that help them navigate social expectations without suppressing their natural communication style. Relationships thrive when both parties recognize that connection isn’t one size fits all. By honoring neurodivergent ways of engaging, we create space for more meaningful, inclusive interactions.
One strategy that can help neurodivergent people navigate social settings is “social scripting”, where a few common responses and ways of politely disengaging can be practiced in advance and form a sort of toolkit for those situations.
In relationships, neurodivergent individuals can benefit from explicitly stating their preferences (e.g., "I connect better when we talk about ideas rather than casual topics, would that be okay?"), while neurotypical people can practice direct communication and patience with more in-depth discussions.
For those who experience sensory or emotional overwhelm, grounding techniques from somatic therapy can be invaluable. Before or after socializing, practices like paced breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindful body scans can regulate the nervous system. Additionally, setting clear social budgets and pre-determining how much interaction feels sustainable in a given day can prevent burnout.
The key is finding frameworks that balance adaptation with self-acceptance and honoring neurodivergent communication styles while providing tools to navigate a neurotypical world when needed.
