How Fawning Can Erode the Neurodivergent Self
Navigating a world not designed for your neurology often necessitates the development of sophisticated coping strategies. One of the most common, and frequently misunderstood, of these is fawning. Fawning is a trauma response, a survival strategy where an individual preemptively seeks to please and appease others to avoid conflict, criticism, or perceived danger. For the neurodivergent person who has spent a lifetime hearing messages like "you're too sensitive," fawning becomes a logical, albeit costly, adaptation. It is an attempt to control the social environment by erasing the very parts of the self that seem to provoke negative reactions. This internalized message tells them that their authentic needs, sensory experiences, and emotional responses are invalid and burdensome. The solution, then, appears to be to become what others want them to be.
The consequence of this relentless self modulation is a profound and gradual loss of self. To fawn is to systematically disconnect from one's own internal cues. The body's signals of discomfort, the mind's values, and the heart's genuine desires are all overridden by a single imperative, to ensure the other person is happy. This erodes the foundation of identity. A person may find themselves in relationships, jobs, or social situations that are deeply misaligned with their core values simply because they lacked the capacity to say no or express a dissenting opinion. The ability to set boundaries becomes virtually nonexistent.
A boundary is, at its core, an expression of self respect, a statement that says "I exist as a separate individual with my own needs." Fawning communicates the opposite, it says "Your needs and comfort are paramount, mine are negotiable or irrelevant." Over time, the neurodivergent individual can feel like a ghost in their own life, expertly attuned to the expectations of others but entirely disconnected from their own inner world. They may not even know what they truly think or feel anymore because the fawn response is so automatic and ingrained.
Reclaiming the self from the pattern of fawning is a courageous and somatic process. It requires gently rewiring the nervous system's automatic threat response and practicing new skills of self advocacy. The goal is not to become aggressive or rigid, but to move from a state of self abandonment to one of self aware and compassionate boundary setting.
A first step can be to cultivate a practice of mindful inner listening. This involves creating daily moments of quiet to check in with the body and emotions without judgment. Using a simple timer, one can pause and ask, "What am I feeling in my body right now? Is there tension, warmth, or stillness? What emotion is present?" The objective is not to change anything but to simply notice and acknowledge the internal experience. This practice builds the muscle of self connection, creating a small gap between a triggering event and the automatic fawn response. Over time, you begin to recognize your own authentic signals again.
Secondly, try practicing the power of the pause and the provisional "no." When a request is made, instead of immediately defaulting to "yes, of course," train yourself to buy time. Simple, polite phrases like "Let me check my calendar and get back to you," or "I need to think about that before I can answer," become revolutionary acts. This pause interrupts the fawn reflex and creates space for you to consult with your newly discovered inner compass. You can then ask yourself, "Do I genuinely have the capacity for this? Is this aligned with my values?" From this place of reflection, a true answer, even if it is a hesitant or qualified yes, can emerge.
Finally, begin with low stakes boundaries to build self trust. The idea of suddenly setting a firm boundary with a close family member or a boss can feel overwhelming. Instead, start where the perceived risk is smallest. This could mean stating a food preference with a friend, leaving a social gathering when you feel your energy depleting rather than pushing through, or politely correcting someone who mispronounces your name. Each time you successfully honor a small boundary, you send a powerful message to your nervous system, that it is safe to have needs and that you are capable of protecting your own energy. This builds the confidence and self trust required for more significant conversations, allowing you to slowly rebuild the self that was lost in the act of appeasing others.
